nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
