I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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