if you like me you must not know who I am
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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