um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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