my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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