At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Randomize