Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
