Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
