Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The Olympian is in my bed
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
