Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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