Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
