I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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