just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
