i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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