PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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