sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
