Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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