God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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