So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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