Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
