every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
