Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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