ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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