Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
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