i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
