Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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