Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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