i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
