I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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