dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
