just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Randomize
