My friends, they love my intelligence
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
should my penis look like a turkey
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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