dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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