Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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