you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
