I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
