I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
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