If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
