Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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