I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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