Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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