My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
