I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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