My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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