i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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