I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
