I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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