i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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