If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
