Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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