I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
