I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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