My hand turned me down
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
