bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
