i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
