just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
