some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
