i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
