Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize