so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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