hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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